I think the opportunity to go back and time would be insanely beneficial to me. I am, admittedly, pretty self-centered. Most people would want to go back to an unbelievably awesome historical event, just to witness its greatness. Not me. I want to go back to my 11th birthday – because that WAS an awesome historical event, to me.
At 11, I was still young and fairly innocent – untouched by any negative outside influences – besides the fact that my father was a raging alcoholic, and my mother, a crack head. HOWEVER, I, personally, had not yet engaged in any badly chosen activities. I didn’t think I want to. Did I want to turn out like my parents? Did I want to make my own mistakes, nevertheless? Abso-freaking-lutely.
Given the opportunity to time travel and see my younger self, I would take her out for a salad and have a little chat that might change her and, ultimately, my future in a very drastic way. What would I tell my young and impressionable self? Well…
1) Your vagina is more precious than you will understand until much later in your life, which is why I need you to abstain from sex until you are at least 18 years old. You can still have sex with Jerry though, but, be advised, your son Quincey will be the result of that union. You will be a single mother, to a beautiful child. Here’s a picture. See? Don’t have sex with anyone else. Ever. They’re all evil.
2) Drugs are BAD. They’re bad and they will eat your brain cells. I promise. Ask me a question. (….) I have no idea. See! Don’t touch them. The people that are doing them might look cool to you; however, in 13 years they will be working at McDonald’s part-time, taking home $24 every two weeks because their fines and child support are deducted from their checks. Good luck living on that, bud.
3) Don’t go anywhere on your 19th birthday. Just trust me. Tequila and being half naked in the country sounds appealing when you’re drunk – but not so much when you wake up the next morning.
4) Hopefully, given this information, mom will believe you when you say that in 2004 she will go to prison for 2-4 years if she doesn’t change her ways. If not, when she does, don’t have any parties at your house. You will be evicted, and homeless.
5) Lay off the tasty cakes. You see this ass? It’s going to be yours in 13 years. Chocolate is NOT your friend. He talks a good game but he’s full of shit.
6) Be nice to Lindsay when you meet her, she’s going to be your best friend for life. You should probably tell her to lay off the drugs too, or she’s going to land her ass in jail just like everyone else.
7) You need to not be friends with 95% of the people you become friends with. You will know who I mean if you heed my advice. Do not date Dustin, stay away from Cody, and absolutely, for no reason, should you EVER even engage in unintelligent conversation with Scotty.
8) Don’t believe any man that says he loves you until you are much older because, believe me, they lie just to get in your pants.
9) Don’t agree to be blood sisters with Tasha. She’s great and all but you cut the shit out of your finger with that piece of glass and practically pass out from blood loss. Get a friendship bracelet or something.
10) Do not go night swimming with Todd. He’s a pervert and if you DO go for lack of other options, you should leave when Courtney does.
11) If you avoid Dustin, as I said, you should never have to suffer through a fake friendship with Carly, but just in case, don’t let her out of your sight for minute – she’s a sneaky bitch.
12) Be nice to your brother, it might not look that way now, but one day he will be bigger than you.
13) Do NOT steal lip gloss from CVS when you’re 15. Its seven dollars. Pay for it or you won’t be allowed in CVS ever again, even if you’re 80. Trust me, I asked. Plus you will have to pay $267 to
14) Learn how to drive as soon as you can, and get your license. Don’t be such a wuss. If you don’t do this you won’t even learn to drive until you’re 24.
15) Do not get in the car with anyone named Opie, especially if it’s a blazer and he has a Pepsi bottle full of Captain Morgan and Coke because you will sprain your ankle, unable to attend clinical at Vo-Tech and you will not receive your CNA certification. That one night changes the path of your life drastically, and not for the better.
16) Lastly, remember that no matter what happens in your life you should always stand your ground and have your own mind. That way, IF you fail, you have no one to blame but yourself – but WHEN you succeed it feels that much better! Say what you mean and mean what you say and you will get along just fine. Don’t wait until you’re in your 20’s to make your own decisions. You are worth much more than you will ever believe.
So, I pretty much hit all the key points there. I am sure that if I had more time with my younger self I could think of some more, but I can’t be hanging around forever like a creeper. I have things to attend to in 2010. If my younger self took all of that advice, however, I’m sure that my life would be much different when I came back.
The bad part about it being different is I am not sure how different it would be. I’m fairly sure things would be easier – but easy is boring. I would hope that my younger self would still choose to bring my son into this world, because of everything I have experienced; he is the only part I would truly want to bring with me to my future. The love I have for him is constant and though it would have been easier to have him when I was more established and stable, and possibly, with a different man – I wouldn’t change HIM for the world. 3
Oh, and P.S. younger self – Don’t smoke. It’s a nasty, nasty habit and you won’t be able to walk up a flight of steps without your lungs falling out – at least, that’s what it feels like.
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